Forbes says Miami ticket prices have jumped 1,000 percent, and that was before your signing was even officially announced. His $25 million investment in Inter Miami has multiplied in value several times over since the club played its first match in 2020, and now that you’re in town, he might be sitting on a ten-figure gold mine. Technically, he’s your boss, but you both know that’s not how this works. You’ve got a knapsack full of a World Cup trophy and a head full of dreams, and you’re not going to stop blasting, kicking, detonating, and flamethrowing till the last note of “Broken Wings” fades out on Emotion 98.3.įavorite weapon: Ballon d’Or trophy (melee), soccer ball (ranged)įavorite ride: The Sanchez dirt bike, because it’s small and agile and occasionally glitches through solid objects, just like youįirst mission: “Let’s Get Unveiled” (cause a riot at your introductory press conference)įinal mission: “Revenge Is a Dish Best Served at 127 Degrees” (defeat FC Barcelona in a $1 billion summer exhibition match in Doha) Key Allies David Beckham (a.k.a.

The NFL? It may be America’s most popular domestic entertainment, but you’re global, baby. You can take those yokels down with a screwdriver and a Mr Whoopee truck. streets, but no one here has ever seen anything like you. There are a lot of players out here on the U.S. Time to step off the plane in your brand-new city and figure out how to earn a little-OK, a lot-of both, one mission at a time.īesides, this town looks ripe for the taking. They say they want you back, but after the way they treated you last time? Sorry, no can do. Why Vice City? Let’s just say you’re ready to put some distance between yourself and your old gang. Now the moment has finally come for a fresh start. You’ve survived, even thrived, but the years have left some marks on you. You, the Player Character Lionel Andrés “Leo” Messi Let’s break this thing down like true scholars: by character, faction, and mission. Therefore, I believe I am uniquely well suited to explore the economic, cultural, and geopolitical dimensions of Messi’s big move. I’ll tell you what, fuckwad: Slide by me on a moped when I’m strolling down the sidewalk and you might find out … when I steal that moped out from under you.

How many hours have I spent playing Vice City? Great question.

This is because, although I have never spent any time in Miami, I have spent a horrific amount of time playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, a game that depicts Florida’s largest, tealest city with what I assume is strict documentary realism. I don’t like to brag-no, really, modesty is my greatest weakness-but I feel that I am more qualified to analyze this move than anyone else living. Lionel Messi is moving to Inter Miami CF.

Gta vice city sex